Self-improvment is masturbation.

So lately I've been playing BioShock, which is so far the most atmospheric game I've played since Doom 3, and quite a bit of fun. In this game, your character can obtain plasmids which modify your body to give you super powers. Naturally, I wanted to get me some of that.

After a small amount of research, I discovered that real plasmids do not work that way. However, I still like to improve myself inside and out, so today after work I stopped by the local eye doctor to watch a live LASIK surgery. The whole thing took 10 minutes, and the patient seemed to be enjoying a healthy dose of Valium. The biggest thing I'm scared of is the whole cutting into my eyeball while I'm awake thing, but the guy said he didn't even feel it.

So, I've scheduled an appointment for the 15th to find out if I'm eligible, and if I am, to get preliminary scans for the operation. It will be nice to see outside while it's precipitating and look into borescopes without adjusting them.

Squeek!

• Slashdot | Mouse Brain Simulated Via Computer

This might not sound like a big deal, but mice actually have pretty advanced brains in the grand scheme of things. Once they have the capacity to simulate an entire mouse nervous system, I'd like to see if they could somehow create a "postmouse".

Those BASTARDS

• Slashdot | Scientists Find 'Altruistic' Center of the Brain

I'm imagining "Gattaca" meets "A Clockwork Orange".

Ghatanothoa

Here are pictures of Tara and I meeting an octopus.

During my trip to Colorado, I spoke with a friend of mine about what might happen to Earth if a nuclear war completely annihilated all life anywhere near the surface. I speculated that octopuses, the most intelligent invertebrate and possibly the most intelligent deep-sea animal, might evolve into a new sentient species. Having returned home with visions of a futuristic cephalopod civilization, I read a bit about them on Wikipedia and then proceeded to rant at Tara about how cool they were.

Later, Tara was planning cool things to do during my trip to New Jersey, and booked us a visit to the aquarium. I got to meet a mysterious and alien intelligence - the North Pacific Giant Octopus. It was like a dog from Europa, very friendly yet unnervingly different from ourselves.

So, I dusted off the old family photos, in an effort to find out where we split up. Our most recent common ancestor was a creature in the subregnum Bilateria, who had two kids that differed during the embryonic stage of development. One of them developed the mouth first, and the other one developed the anus first. One led to the North Pacific Giant Octopus. Guess which one led to us.

(pause)

That's right, the ass baby! Judging by the fact that we're the ones who imprison them, I can scientifically conclude that anal is best before oral. Therefore, this will be our new motto:

Humanity: Proudly marching ass-first into the future!